Adventure

As most of you know, in May of 2007 my family and I embarked on the "adventure" of moving from Arizona--our home for 11 years--to Utah. It took almost an entire year to sell our house and we finally, thankfully, moved into our own home here in Utah. During that year of uncertainty, separation, heartache, unexpected and unpleasant events (but also a year when we were the recipients of so many kind acts and tender mercies), I started this blog--which I named "Lingering in Limbo." Now we have been in our home here in Utah a little over a year. Soon after we moved in, I considered renaming my blog. But before I had much of a chance to even think about a new name, I realized that, although we felt much more settled (and it was a WONDERFUL feeling, let me tell you!) we were still in limbo in so many ways. So I decided the blog name would stick for now, and maybe forever.

Yesterday I got my hair cut, and I was asking my hair dresser about her husband (who was laid off last spring)--how he was doing and if he had found a job yet. I was happy to hear that he had just got a job and was starting next week. She said that when the job offer had finally come, her husband had commented, "Too bad we couldn't have known this is how it would work out. Then I could have just enjoyed this whole summer and had fun! I wouldn't have had to worry about how it was going to work out." So true. A huge part of the trials in life are due to the fact that we don't know how it is all going to work out. If we could see the end from the beginning, many things would be so very much easier. It is the "limbo" that causes so much of the difficulty. Since I believe in a loving Heavenly Father and I know that He absolutely keeps His promises, I know that the "end" that we are headed towards--if we can be faithful now--is truly going to make everything right and that it is better than we can even imagine.

I picked up a book on Monday as I headed out the door to the DMV with Jumble. I thought that the process of getting her learner's permit might involve a significant amount of waiting (and I was right.) So I just wanted something to read while I sat--anything would do. I'm in-between books right now so I wanted something just to occupy the time but not something that would be a major commitment--something I'd already read but enjoyed, something that I wouldn't even have to finish if I didn't feel like it, once my time in the waiting room was over. I have a shelf of books from when I was a pre-teen to teenager--good books that my mom picked out for me that are children's classics. (Wish I could get MY kids to read more of them--that's why I set them on that shelf in plain sight--hoping they would be a temptation my kids wouldn't resist--but for the most part, they have just left them alone. But I digress.) The book I picked is called "Blue Willow" and it is by Doris Gates. It is written from the point-of-view of a ten-year-old girl, Janey, who lived at the time following the dust bowl. Her father had owned a ranch in Texas, which he had lost, and for the last five years they had followed the crop harvests in California, living in shacks and just trying to survive. Since she was only five-years-old when they lost the ranch, she only has very dim memories of life in a real home with stability and certainty.

At one point in the story, she is able to get an old, battered, library book copy of King Arthur. She is reading it while she waits for her dad to finish in the cotton fields for the day and pick her up from school. When her dad comes to pick her up, she is totally engrossed in her story and her mind is on this time that seems so wonderful, adventurous, and romantic to her. She expresses to her dad that she wishes she could have lived in the time of Camelot because life was an adventure back then. That's when her dad says, "Some day, Janey, perhaps when you're grown up, you'll realize that every day you've been living these last five years has been an adventure. You know, an adventure is just something that comes along that's unexpected and you don't know for sure how it will turn out. Sometimes there may be danger mixed up in it. And it doesn't matter whether it happened a thousand years ago or right this minute. It's still an adventure. Every day that comes along is an adventure to us, and may be dangerous because we don't know for sure what it's going to bring. Perhaps I'm wrong, but I've got a hunch that it takes just about as much courage to live like that without losing your grip on things as ever it took to buckle on armor and go out to fight some fellow who had a grudge against you."

Janey listens and is somewhat puzzled by her Dad's words. She had a hard time thinking that there was anything adventurous about the way they lived and although she loved her dad and admired him, she couldn't quite think of him as a hero. The book goes on to say, "It required considerable effort for her to think of him (her Dad) as being brave. Yet she supposed he must be, since he had just said it took courage to live the kind of life they lived without losing your grip on things. Certainly Dad hadn't yet lost his grip. When the car broke down, as it frequently did, he simply went quietly about the business of fixing it. And after a long day in the fields he was never too tired to tease her when he came home. But was this really being brave?
"What had Dad meant? Could there be more than one kind of courage in the world?

Janey went on to think about the fact that if her dad was right, that she and her mom must be brave, too, because they were living the same kind of life. She just couldn't see how there was anything brave about the life they were living and that maybe she would understand what her dad was saying when she got older. I understand only too well what Janey's dad was saying. I've watched my husband show a tremendous amount of courage for almost 3 years now as he just keeps going every day without losing his grip. It was September 2006 that he started searching for a job where he could feel somewhat secure and settled and that search is still continuing. We can't complain--he's only been unemployed for one month of that time and had a job offer within 3 days of when the former job ended. We have been so very, very blessed. I don't have to look very far, not far at all, to see others that face challenges that are ever so much harder than this. But the uncertainty is what gets to you--when is it going to end, how is it going to end, is it going to ever end? We're being forced to live on the edge of faith. Daily we have to put our lives in our Father's hands and submit to His will, exercise our faith so that we can be free of fear. And honestly, some days we don't do so well at that.

Because of our faith, and the knowledge that we have, it is easier. I'm so grateful for that. And if everyone could know how much we struggle with this challenge, I'm sure most would wonder why it is so hard for us. It's really not that big of a deal. To most of the world, yes, but this little trial is tailored for us--precisely what we need to teach us what we need to learn. There are reasons why this particular trial is oh so harder for us than it would be for others. I'd like to think there are other things that other people struggle with that we could handle with ease--we're not just wimps!

This week we sat through a difficult Sunday School lesson. It was the one about Joseph Smith in Liberty Jail. Not that our suffering even begins to approach what he went through, but we are all too familiar with the concepts that were being discussed--we don't need to be reminded about that good old refiner's fire. We are weary of the refiner's fire. And we ask ourselves why we struggle so much when we know what we know. Why can't we just have enough faith to feel calm and peaceful all the time, to leave it in the Lord's hands--permanently. To never question why. We know we can be sure that Heavenly Father loves us, cares about us, will take care of us. He knows what He's doing. Part of this particular trial for us is that for much of the last three years when we have prayed for guidance, for direction, for peace, for comfort, we feel--nothing. We've had enough experiences in our life to know beyond doubt that we have a loving Heavenly Father who is listening, who does care. But for some reason He knows that right now we need to be left to struggle on our own a little bit. I hope we can learn what we need to soon, because I'd just as soon have life be not so much of an "adventure" for just a few days before the next challenge comes along. Because I know it will at some point, and it also never says anywhere that you can't have numerous challenges piling up one on top of the other.

My sister-in-law (who is a pure angel in a million different ways) shared this talk by Elder Jeffery R. Holland with me and it sums up this whole trial thing much better than I ever could (as I have just proved) so you should read it here

I've decided that "Lingering in Limbo" is a pretty good description of life here on earth. Limbo is really what it's all about--because while we are still here, we can't see the end. We must live by faith.

Ether 12:4

Wherefore, whoso believeth in God might with surety hope for a better world, yea, even a place at the right hand of God, which hope cometh of faith, maketh an anchor to the souls of men, which would make them sure and steadfast, always abounding in good works, being led to glorify God.

Because I do believe in God, I do hope. My faith and hope is my anchor and I am led to glorify God daily. I may not always be sure and steadfast and abounding in good works--not yet--but someday I will be and then I will get to that better world.